We have already talked about what conflict is in general, and we mentioned that we had to accept that it will always be present in our workplaces since it is part of human communication. I also mentioned in a previous article that one of the main reasons for conflict could be our DISC style and the natural difference that can exist with the other party’s style.
Now let’s see some practical ideas for managing conflicts and, above all, finding a resolution. Let’s start from what will be the basis of everything; if we are aware of our DISC style and we know how to recognize the style of the other party (something that can be reinforced via coaching), we will be able to adapt our message by expressing ourselves in an easily understandable way to the other person. Some examples were mentioned in the previous article, so I recommend looking at them.
But to resolve this, we must go through a previous step. This is recognizing that the conflict exists and having an interest in solving it. I have often witnessed disputes in the office that were openly known to everyone, which seemed never to end, lasting for years. They were like declared wars in which neither side wanted to give in. At this point, we must see things pragmatically and ask ourselves, what do we achieve by having a conflict with a colleague? Besides earning us hard times and raising our cortisol levels (stress), we probably won’t get anything out of a relationship like this. Let’s reflect on this and decide to change the approach seeking to solve the conflict. One idea is to visualize the possibilities that can be opened (advantages) if an understanding is reached with the other person.
In addition to this step, you must try to understand what the other party thinks; we already know they have a different style and prefer a specific communication style. But behind what it expresses (aggression, sadness, seriousness, misunderstanding, stubbornness…) What is found? What is the emotion that is present and that we cannot see? The person with whom we have a conflict expresses emotions in one way but certainly feels something that is not manifested with words or non-verbal language. It is necessary to reflect on what this emotion can be.
Some potential candidates are often fear or embarrassment. In other words, the external expressions can be like a mask the person puts on so we do not see a possible vulnerability. Knowing this, could we aim to change the relationship and turn it into a win-win?
Various frameworks can be used to find out what the other person thinks about us. If you have a specific conflict and want to discover it, contact me to analyze it together via coaching.
Once you identify what the other person is feeling, you need to be empathic – after all, someone must start the approach. For me, the strategy that always works in case of conflict escalations is to acknowledge the other party by accepting something, being empathetic or even being kind. This will usually generate a reaction from the counterparty and will de-escalate at least one level, improving communication in general. Do not try to move on unless the person is on the same level as us.
Suppose we discover a deeper reason for the conflict, perhaps aggression from the past or some effect due to our non-verbal communication that may have affected the other person. In that case, we must be willing to admit it and apologize. If the same applies to the other party, we must be prepared to say it openly. In both cases, proposing leaving behind the misunderstanding and moving forward is necessary.
The next step could be to negotiate, to propose a truce. Start by saying what you want and listen to the other party’s requirements. You have to know what you will be willing to give in (it is difficult to win everything in a conflict). You could start by saying what you are willing to give up to improve the relationship.
When we hear what the other party needs, we will have to see if this aligns with our core values and if we are willing to compromise in some way. In other words, giving up something in exchange for getting something. This is called finding the middle ground, somewhere in between where we both feel better.
Of course, emotions will be present throughout this entire process, so it can be much more complicated than it sounds. Remember that this is just a guide. Maybe you will need some practice or a “role play” to evaluate possible reactions and strategies to get out of false steps. All of this can be done in a conflict coaching session.
If you are interested in more on the subject, don’t hesitate to contact me so we can schedule a coaching session, and if you have any experience resolving conflicts in the office, please leave a comment.
Alexander Martinez
