In previous articles, I mentioned what, in my opinion, it takes to become a good negotiator. Clearly, hours of practice and effort combined with knowledge will get you where you want, but there is one element that can ultimately compromise the outcome of the negotiation. Emotions can dominate a conversation, hijack it and take it down paths you didn’t want to venture into and where you’re unable to apply any of the tactics and strategies you’ve practiced so much.
Remember the last time you argued with your partner? It doesn’t matter if it was something serious or banal. At some point, emotions took over the conversation, distorted the message and caused much pain. That is the power of emotions. There’s really nothing wrong with feeling emotions; it’s just that you have to know how to handle them, not let them control us. This is called Emotional Intelligence (EQ).
The brain and emotions
The human brain has evolved a lot to differentiate itself from other animals, but in principle, its base is the same. The brain’s structure consists of a reptilian brain (in the deepest part of it) in charge of controlling reflexes and essential unconscious functions. The next layer is the emotional brain, where attitudes and emotions are managed. Finally, the most superficial layer is the thinking brain. It is the most rational and evolved part, but unfortunately, the smallest in size.
When we negotiate, we want to think that both we and the other party use our rational brains. In fact, the strategies that most negotiation books propose assume that the conversations will be rational. This, unfortunately, rarely happens in real life. I once read an analogy that I really liked, and it is the following: “Consider the emotional brain as a lion and the rational brain as a lion tamer. The tamer spends all his time trying to control the lion and can do so, but don’t be fooled. If the lion gets upset at any time, he can bypass the tamer.” The same is true in an emotional conversation. If the emotional brain takes over, it will throw our rational side overboard and make a mess of the negotiation.
The only thing that can be done to avoid reaching this point is to understand some basic principles about emotions, be empathetic, and know ourselves. In his book “Never Split the Difference” Chris Voss proposes a different approach to negotiations, just as FBI agents do when they are in a kidnapping situation. His idea involves other strategies like active listening, tactical empathy, and asking calibrated questions—a highly recommended read.
Tactics
Here are some ideas that I would recommend spending time understanding to be prepared in case emotions escalate in a negotiation:
- Always keep your mind fixed on the final goal. Do not get carried away by outbursts of anger or threatening phrases. It must be remembered that if a deal is not closed, both parties lose.
- Separate the person from the business. Whoever is in front of you is taking a role and has the same goal as you. It is not a personal matter.
- Go to the balcony. I mentioned this t in the previous article. It would be best to pause, breathe and always ask yourself whether responding to a provocation is worth it.
- The tone of voice. Find your style, be true to how you are and how you want to deliver a message (non-verbal language). Consider how the other party can take it.
- Empathy. Knowing how to listen and showing interest (not necessarily approval) for the counterpart’s ideas will lower their emotions.
- Use open questions. Let the other party propose the solution to your problems.
On the other hand, here are some recommendations that have not worked for me as expected, but are important to mention:
- Pauses. Whenever I have negotiated, I have had limited time with the other party, but it is certainly better to take a break and let emotions cool down.
- Change negotiator. I’ve always been the one to negotiate. It must be remembered that two people should not be in charge of a negotiation; others may be present, but only one is leading.
- Change the subject. When there is an elephant in the room, it usually becomes the main subject of the negotiation—no way around it.
- Control your non-verbal language. Extremely difficult to control and requires a lot of mental effort, but definitely worth mastering.
- Win-win. It is an ideal; it does not always occur in reality. I will write about this in the following article.
I have to admit that this is a complex subject to master. It is not about learning or practising (although it can be helpful). It is about internalizing and accepting this reality, being flexible and adapting to the conversation in case it takes unexpected paths.
Emotions make us human; we must give them the recognition they deserve and accept that they are part of the game’s rules at the negotiating table. If you have participated in a negotiation in which emotions got out of control, please leave a comment below.
Coaching can help you be a better negotiator. If you want to know more about this topic, please get in touch with me via the web or schedule a session.
Alexander Martinez
