We’ve all heard a few things about non-verbal communication. For example, more than 50% of what we say (some say more than 60%) is not said with words but with the body or the way (tone) in which we say the message is more important than the words themselves. Non-verbal language does not come from the brain’s rational part (as the verbal part is) but from the primitive reptilian brain, which is why it is so difficult to notice or control.
Throughout my years of commercial experience, I have experienced many situations in which I have verified that non-verbal messages are indeed more important than anything we say. I have also evidenced that it is used to emphasize ideas. I have even witnessed evident contradictions between what is said with words and what is displayed with the rest of the body. It’s impressive if you analyze it. They say that if you know the person’s normal behavior, you could even decipher if they are lying to you by reading non-verbal language.
If there is someone who knows this subject well, it is Joe Navarro, the former FBI agent who wrote the famous book “What Every Body is Saying”, a mandatory reading for anyone who wants to venture into sales, business or simply improve the way they communicate.
A practical example
Next, I will relate an experience I had as an example and will try to use the concepts he mentions in his book.
I once had to visit a client in a rural part of Europe. He was a buyer he had never visited but maintained fluid communication with. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say he was my favorite client, as he was always very short-spoken, and we hadn’t been able to do any business over the years because he always used specific dirty tactics that blocked negotiations. I made a road trip of almost 6 hours to visit him, motivated by the idea of improving the commercial relationship. I had some expectations before the meeting because I felt that there was something behind his behavior, perhaps some bad experience from the past (which turned out to be confirmed) or some personal agenda.
When I arrived, I wasn’t invited to a meeting room but was taken to some dining room in the middle of the office. I didn’t care about it; I sat down, arranged my notebook, and even prepared my computer because I had a presentation. After waiting several minutes, the buyer appeared, rushed into the room, and only had his cell phone. He sat up, half facing me and half facing the door. He gave me a quick cold smile and started checking his phone. A second later, the conversation began without going around the bush, and we began to talk about the business acceleratedly. Most of the time we spoke, he looked at his phone out of the corner of his eye and made faces every time he received a message. During the conversation, he used an amiable tone and even told me about the bad experience he had in the past with the company I worked for, what it caused him and, therefore, the reason for his current behavior when negotiating. Although we never argued, at the end of the meeting, I was left with the impression that he had forgotten about our meeting, despite having been scheduled ahead of time. Several years have passed, and I still remember these details, but I remember almost nothing of what was said.
Now, I will try to link some aspects of this story with the ideas about non-verbal language that Joe Navarro mentions in his book and with others that I have also read from different sources:
The look. A person can know a lot about you in the first seconds of a meeting, first impressions are very difficult to change, and by nature, human beings pay close attention to a person’s expression. When someone smiles at you sincerely (without exaggerating or flirting) as soon as you know them, a first bond of trust is generated. The fact that someone smiles at you falsely or coldly, as in this case, makes you understand that he or she is uncomfortable with your presence. As we can see, clear signals of what is thought are sent without saying a single word.
The postures. When someone has their feet towards you, it means that he or she wants to be by your side and that is interested in what you are talking about. Conversely, when someone has one foot facing you but the other facing the exit, he signals that he is ready to run. He does not want to be there anymore.
Possessions. Whether or not to take notes in a meeting could depend on a person’s taste or habit. I am not used to doing it myself, but I like attending meetings with a notebook. A hidden message exists in arriving empty-handed at a meeting where you are expected to discuss something important. The other person may think you are not giving importance to him or her and perhaps not even pay attention to what is said.
Gestures. Making an annoyed face when receiving a message from another person in the middle of a conversation is a non-verbal way of telling the other party that you have something more serious that requires your attention at that moment. In other words, I’m not listening to you right now or hurry up because I have to do something else.
Other non-verbal or gestural details. In negotiations, the reception and conditions are very important. Make you wait, don’t invite you anything to drink, don’t reserve a room, continuously look at the clock, answer emails in your presence, etc. They are actions that will affect you. You have to be very aware of them.
Digital non-verbal language
Today we also have to consider digital non-verbal language. In our new post-COVID reality, many people are meeting remotely. Incredible as it may seem, some things we do on the computer also deliver a message. For example, not accepting invitations or doing it late, ignoring messages, not using your camera when talking, multitasking in the middle of the meeting, not responding when asked something, etc. We have to be careful what we want to say.
Conclusion
As we can see, non-verbal language is a fundamental piece of communication in business, it is challenging to control it, but we can undoubtedly form habits that help us notice them. The goal is to be consistent, that what we say with our mouths is reinforced by what we communicate with our bodies or actions. Contradictory messages must be avoided.
As I recounted in the story, even after so long, the meeting left me with a bad taste, and I remember all the non-verbal aspects of the experience. Still, I don’t remember the conversation itself. That’s how powerful nonverbal communication is.
If you want to improve your way of communicating or influencing, coaching could be a handy tool to explore. If you are interested in the subject, do not hesitate to write to me. Also, if you have similar cases related to non-verbal language, please leave your comments.
Alexander Martinez
